Friday, June 8, 2012

However: I'm Going to BlogHer '12!



It’s Friday! And it’s the first official day of Summer Break 2012. 

This morning I drove from Bexley to Dublin and back to Bexley (Ohio, not Europe) carting the kids from a sleepover to their dads for some swim-time in his fabulous pool. 

As I traveled the outerbelt of Columbus, I was thinking, “I hope I don’t spend my entire summer driving I-270.”

Then I remembered.  I won’t.  At some point--in August to be exact--I’ll be in New York City for BlogHer ’12.

I am finding words to describe how it is I became able to attend BlogHer ’12 difficult to attain.  The “feeling” side of my brain wants to tell you one thing and my “thinking” side wants to tell you another.  Typically I can get them to converge in a space that triggers my fingers to type, but today, that’s not the case.

I’m not one to ask for help.  I should be.  Everyone should be.  In fact, I often tell my girls, “If you need help, ask.”

After this experience, I’m sure I will be a pro at acquiring help.

Why?

Fear is fading.  Fast.

Oh yes, Sperk* is the Fearless examination of life with two adolescent daughters and I have been fully committed to truth in this space.  Bringing it honestly requires confident clicks of the tab labeled “publish” and, thanks to your supportive comments, your rally of empathetic cheers, I am used to braving that task. 

However, in life without a computer screen . . . let’s just say my confidence level doesn’t quite mirror what you read.

Soon, however, I will have no choice but to be fearless in person.

In response to my post describing my experience of being named a BlogHer 2012 Voices of the Year Honoree, I was offered, via a Twitter direct message, a BlogHer ’12 pass from a blogger who cannot attend the conference.

I did not say “Yes” right away because although I was thrilled, I was also confused and afraid. 

I came up with excuses to say, “No,” and I had some good ones—accommodations in New York City are expensive and traveling to New York City is expensive.

Then I received an email from a blogger who lives close to New York City.  She offered me her couch.

The one last excuse, the cost of travel, became irrelevant because I do own a car.  

No reason to say "No."

But I still wanted to.

Then I engaged in a fearless self-examination of the inexplicable fear driving me to shy away from these kind, self-less offers.  I was lead back to PTSD:

For them, the excitement of success feels uncomfortably close to the feeling of arousal they experienced when subjected to a traumatic event or multiple events . . . People who have experienced trauma may associate the excitement of success with the same physiological reactions as trauma . . . And many of us-especially if we've been subject to verbal abuse-have been told we were losers our whole lives, in one way or another. We have internalized that feedback and feel that we don't deserve success. (Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T.)

I said “Yes,” to both offers.

I won’t let it have me.

It’s had me too long.

I’m still afraid.  I’m still confused. 

However.

I’m willing to be true to Sperk’s tagline and be fearless.  In person.  For real.

Thank you, Ashley Taylor (A Dose of Reality), for offering me your BlogHer '12 pass.

Thank you, Stacey Gill  (Stacy Gill Ink), for offering your couch.

I accept with gratitude for you both and for my readers.  I accept with gratitude in honor of my truth.

photo credit:  freya.gefn via flickr cc





read to be read at yeahwrite.me

35 comments:

  1. That's awesome! Stacey totally beat me to it - but we may not have a fully working bathroom by then anyway. Maybe I'll sleep on the floor next to Stacey's couch. :) So glad you're coming!

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    1. That would be awesome! I'll take the floor! Can't wait to meet you.

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  2. Oh I'm so glad to hear that! I hope you have a wonderful time!

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  3. That is so awesome! I'm proud of you. I know how hard it is sometimes. You deserve this, I hope you know that. You are an inspiration to me every single day with your spirit and your determination. I hope you have a fabulous time and YAY for amazing friends met through the world of blogging that made this possible for you.

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  4. Congrats and good on you for being brave and attending BlogHer!!

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  5. That is so awesome!!! Wow...it is so totally cool that they are helping you make this happen :) Major warm fuzzies on this :) I am smiling all over! Giant congrats and hugs and ...well, smiles :) I agree that you totally deserve this! YAY!!!!!

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    1. I love this comment. Thank you so much. xo

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  6. Oh my gosh, I love this! Especially: Fear is fading....I won’t let it have me. It’s had me too long. So awesome and very brave! Congratulations on attending BlogHer and in NYC, that is exciting!!!! Yay for you Kim!

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    1. Thanks, Anna. I wish you could go, too!!

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  7. I'm so glad you are able to make it!! Please look for me while you're there, OK?

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  8. So so proud of you on SO many levels! Good for you, Kimberly, for having the strength and the ability to overcome your fear and say, "Yes. Thank you, yes."

    Bravo.

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  9. I am so happy for you! What a blessing! Those ladies rock!!

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  10. Little late in chiming in but Yay! Looking forward to meeting in person.

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  11. YAY for you. That is awesome.
    My smile grew bigger and bigger as I read your post.
    You ARE fearless and I'm sure you're going to have a great time there - can't wait to hear about it!

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  12. Woohoo! I'm so stupidly happy for you! I barely know you, only from what I've read here, but man I think you need to go do this for yourself. I am so glad you have the opportunity and found the courage!

    Way to go!!!

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  13. That is so incredible! I'm so happy that you get to go!

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  14. Congratulations! I know a few bloggers that will be there and they are incredibly kind and welcoming. You will be among friends.

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  15. I'm so happy for you and so proud of you! Just as I began reading this, I thought, oohhh, I'll give her my pass. But, someone beat me to the punch. I'm glad they did.
    Go, speak, have fun. People need to know you and this fearless heart of yours.

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    1. Thanks, Heidi. You can't make it? Are you going?

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    2. No, sadly, I can't. I bought my pass and I was all set to go, but things come up and, financially, it will just be too much of a strain with the flight and hotel costs.
      By the way, I hope you didn't read my above comment like I was relieved I didn't have to give you the pass...I would have been THRILLED to give you the pass. I know I hardly know you, but I am genuinely excited for you. I think it's going to be an amazing time for you.

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    3. I didn't read it that way at all, Heidi. Just wish I was going to be able to meet you. Thanks for all of your support and love. xo

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  16. Congrats, Kimberly! That is so awesome! I wonder what it's like, since we don't have such an event in Malaysia ;)

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  17. I feel so freakin happy for you! Your bravery is to be celebrated! I'm applauding you from here! Literally!

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  18. Congrats. That is very exciting. Wish I could go, too, as it sounds like so much fun.
    Much more fun than Bexley>Dublin>Bexley. I always hated 270 when I lived in C-bus.

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  19. I am so glad to hear you accepted those offers. Congratulations.

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  20. I'm new to your blog but I'm over here going, "Yay, you! You are woman. Hear you roar!" It's so easy to be afraid and find reasons to say "no." And it's so hard to say "Yes." "Yes" is way awesomer though! Good for you!

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  21. Oh, Sperk, we sooo wish we could go! You are going to have an amazing time and experience. You deserve it too. Everyone can see your talent, your heart, and your strength in your writing.It's time to put all that awesomeness together with a face. Have a great time and know that your "sisters" can't wait to meet you sometime ( hopefully in the near future). Erin

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  22. So proud of you, girl! I know exactly what you mean about having confidence behind and screen and having a hard time transferring that into real life. I took a leap of faith last night, and I'm finding your bravery and confidence to be just what I needed to hear this morning.

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