Thursday, April 12, 2012

This is Your Journey


You stood in the middle of our bedroom, fully dressed, wearing the coat I bought you five years ago. As you shifted from foot to foot, rubbing your forehead, looking around the room and to me in the bed, I wondered what was inspiring the nervous dance.  I contemplated mentioning that next winter we should get you a new coat, because that would have been an easy thing to say.  Instead I said, “Hon, are you OK?”

You replied, “Yeah.”

I said, “Are you planning on going out? I see you have your coat on.”

You said, “No.”

Your face contorted, your chin dropped, you began to cry.  It wasn’t a sob.  It was the type of tears that are bittersweet because from them flow both joy and grief.

You said, “I am not going anywhere.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I am home.  I have never felt home, ever.”

You went on to say you just wanted to sit in our house, on our couch, and that you wanted to paint.

With tears still streaming down your face, you said, “What color do you want this room to be?”

I remember early in our relationship listening to the stories of your childhood and recognizing the similarities to mine.  But you were not yet at the place in your journey where you could say, “He molested me.”

Throughout our struggles as a couple, I watched you battle with allowing yourself to reveal the facts.  Over the years, I listened as you added description to the details when they unexpectedly were in the forefront of your mind.  And even though I wanted to so badly, I would not say it for you.

I was by your side the night you said the words.  I was relieved and wanted to rush you off to therapy with my library of books on the subject of healing stuffed in your suitcase.  I wanted to celebrate and I wanted to die--for you.

This is your journey.  It’s beautiful.  I am honored to be your witness.

Now go on and heal.



photo credit: Corie Howell via photopin cc

56 comments:

  1. It just blows me away how many of us have this story. And if we all knew how many of us we were, we might be more able to liberate ourselves from the hell, feeling safe in knowing we are not alone. So glad he has YOU. So glad he is HEALING. So glad he knows he is not alone.

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    1. "And if we all knew how many of us we were, we might be more able to liberate ourselves from the hell, feeling safe in knowing we are not alone." YES!

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  2. ^^Said exactly the words I couldn't find.^^ Beautifully written.

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  3. oh, wow. just beautiful. strength in the softness to let their story be told by them, not you.

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  4. You write so eloquently on, well, everything, actually, but as this is emotion packed, it is especially riveting. I am always moved.

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  5. This is such a soft, caring and gentle piece on such a horrible, brutal subject. You're support and dedication to help others heal as well as raising awareness on abuse is so awesome. Great post!

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  6. Thx baby:-) you are simply the best!

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  7. I've got to agree with Stephanie B. Your voice is always so clear, your words so artfully chosen. I applaud you for sharing your story, and furthermore, for having the restraint to let your guy share his at his own pace.

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  8. Even the third time reading this, tears. It's gorgeous, patient, full of care.

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    1. And now the 4th time. Sigh.

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    2. Kristin, I appreciate you tweeting this the other day. Without a link up or any other "promotional" type of event. It is important to me to share these experiences to raise awareness which hopefully removes the fear that exists in our culture surrounding talking about child sexual abuse. In your tweet, I saw movement towards ending the silence. Thank you.

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  9. Oh Kimberly. You are amazing.

    ~The G is Silent

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  10. what the others said...such a well written, touching piece about such a horrific experience.

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  11. Letting people share their own story at their own pace is so hard. But it's a wonderful thing. So glad you are both finding healing.

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  12. This piece is hauntingly beautiful.

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  13. This story made me shiver. Such a horrible experience, such a beautifully written post. I'm so glad that you can make new stories together.

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  14. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. The rhythm of the piece is perfectly suited to the topic: letting others tell their story in their own time.

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  15. I went through something similar with my husband as he went through the journey of finally being able to admit that he was abused as a child and that he was neither responsible for or had the ability to fix his mentally ill mother. The day he was able to admit this, I felt just like you did. Beautiful post.

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    1. Kathy, I am sorry your husband went through this and that you had to witness it, and yet I am grateful he found his way and you were there to support and love him. Thanks for sharing this.

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  16. Beautiful post, so well written.

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  17. So much power and emotion packed into this post. Beautiful.

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  18. Oh wow. Now go on and heal is so correct. I've seen way too many couples affected by CSA that it makes me ill. But healing is healthy and possible and it opens up the door to having an incredibly intimate relationship. I've been there. I've also lost a few relationships due to CSA too, on both sides. This is a great reminder that CSA is not a women's issue. It bugs me to no end when people label it under that. Thanks for posting.

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  19. It's so much easier to talk and advise than it is to listen and support. Well done.

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  20. So beautiful. So glad you are there. So awed by the emotion in this post. Let the healing begin.

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  21. Very well written, very moving and brave.

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  22. Wow. I am blown away. So powerful and moving. Excellent writing, K.

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  23. Beautifully written. Really loved reading this.

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  24. Such a powerful example of support and tender, healing love.

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  25. Your posts always move me and enrich me, and fill me with awe for your honesty in your journey. Thanks Sperk. Wonderful.

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    1. I am grateful you take time to visit, Ado--always. Thank you.

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  26. This is such a beautiful recount of this moment. I felt like I was there, which made me both uncomfortable for intruding, but also so very honored that you would share it. Thank you for sharing your words and your strength.

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    1. Thank you for reading it. It is difficult for me to describe the depth of my gratitude.

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  27. Kimberly, this is such a beautiful post. So much love! We can't change the past, but we can change the future. The most important is that we are there for one another to go through it all.

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  28. i think a lot of comments use the word "gentle" and "strength" and i find it wonderful how your writing encompasses both. I feel grateful to get to read it - thanks.

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  29. I love the restraint and the spare, clean style here: it's perfect for the topic. Because while there's so much to say, you kept to the most important thing: those of us who weren't safe as children desperately need a safe place now.

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    1. Thank you. Beautiful articulated *typed through tears*

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  30. Such a beautiful piece with a lot of insight. I (luckily) had a great childhood but my husband was raised by an abusive alcoholic. He still suffers and has yet been unable to face it. Reading through several blogs that deal with these sorts of things has really helped me to understand. Thanks to you and everyone who shares these painful stories and I'm so glad your husband is on his way to healing.

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    1. Tracy,
      Thank YOU for sharing your story. I find relief in knowing your husband has you...who is willing to be there and find information and resources to support his healing.

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  31. Wow. Heart-wrenching. I am so saddened that it seems this is something so many are struggling with. Silently. Your writing would give me hope if I or someone I loved had experienced abuse.

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  32. Damn you are a smart smart woman. I'm not sure I could stop myself from putting the words in my partner's mouth...from trying to force the healing to start. How wise and patient of you to know that that wouldn't work. Good luck to you both. So great that you found each other.

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  33. So many emotions while reading this one. You captured the moment perfectly. I felt like I was peeking in your windows watching the scene play out. I didn't share my story with my husband for many years. I had to sort it out myself before I could share it with someone else.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. I wasn't aware and hope I didn't miss something I should have noticed in a post at your wonderful blogging space. "sorting" it out is quite the task and I am glad you were able to recognize your need to do so before sharing. And I am so glad you were able to share your story with your husband. It can be a lonely road even when one is surrounded by a million people. I do not wish loneliness for anyone and certainly not for you. Thanks for your comments.

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  34. Totally beautiful, powerful, emotional, soul-baring writing. Excellent piece. Is voting open yet?

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  35. Nothing to add to the previous comments...thank you for taking me on the journey with you.

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  36. What a gorgeous and powerful post. This speaks so highly of the intimacy in your relationship. Thank you for sharing.

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  37. Everybody's got something, don't we? This was powerful. And sweet.

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  38. So eloquent, Sperk. Here's to a journey of healing.

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  39. Beautiful words of healing once again. You are a bottomless spring of hope, empathy, and love. I applaud you for how you allow others to be who they need to be, at the pace that is right for them. Ellen

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  40. So beautifully written. Powerful. Emotional. Hopeful. Kudos.

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  41. wonderful story. if only everyone had someone like you to wait to listen to their story.

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  42. What a knock out piece of writing. So much love and compassion. Wow.

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  43. This touches me so much, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse who is also married to a man who is a survivor, I relate to what you are sharing here. Very powerful.

    Thank you for sharing this with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.

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  44. I felt like I was in the room with the both of you in such a private moment but a private moment that needed to be shared so this doesn't happen anymore and for those that have suffered for so long can finally heal.

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